7 Quick Takes (Vol. 37) - We Bought a House! and Lent

 -1- 

We officially own a house now!  We closed on it Tuesday.

It is exciting....I guess.  But mostly just relieving, now that the process is finally over.  I don't think it's fully set in yet that we are homeowners.  I haven't even been into the house since we've owned in.  And at this point, I'm mostly thinking about all the little things I want to add/change in it before our planned moving date in mid-April, and feeling like it will never get done.

I don't have any pictures to share yet, but I'll be spending some time at the house on Saturday, cleaning and getting things ready...so I'll try to take some then.

-2-

I'm pretty happy with the place, overall.  It has four bedrooms, but kind of five (there are two rooms on the third floor, but one is unheated so can't legally be considered a bedroom.  If we want to add baseboard heat in the future, though, it could be perfectly useable) - so there's some room to grow.  It's an arts and crafts style house (sometimes known as craftsman), which means it has lots of wooden beams, a (working!) fireplace, built-in bookshelves, stained glass, etc.  It has a spacious front porch with room for a porch swing (which I already told Tom I want as my only birthday gift this summer), a small back deck, and a small - but existant!!! - backyard.  It will be SO nice to finally have an "outdoors" where I can send the kids to play, set up a little baby pool, plant a few flowers, etc.

The major issues are the small kitchen, and the lack of good lighting throughout.  I have some plans to add a bit more in the way of cabinets/counter space in the kitchen, and am hoping Tom keeps up his end of our deal by installing some more light fixtures for me.

When the inspector was going through the house with us, he kept saying that it was in really great shape, and was one of the best-taken-care-of old houses he's ever seen.  He also told us that to build the same house today, with the same quality of materials would cost almost eight times more than we paid for it (I'm sure this is true of a lot of old houses, but it made us feel like we were getting a really good deal)!

-3-

The woman who owned the house before us was unable to get all her stuff moved out in time (not really her fault - she had some tough circumstances that made it difficult).  She took everything she needed, and told us that we are free to do as we please with everything that remains.  We did account for it during our closing negotiations, and she ended up giving us some extra money to use towards having someone haul it out, clean the place, etc.  But I think Tom and I will be able to get most of her stuff moved out and donated by ourselves, and thus save most of that money.  And then we will be able to afford to have some professional cleaners come in to steam the carpets, maybe wax the wood floors...or whatever else we want done.  I'm looking forward to moving into a freshly-scrubbed place!

Also, she definitely left behind a number of things that we will end up keeping: weed-whacker, hedge trimmers, new iron and ironing board, fans, etc.....So it's hard to mind too much about the extra hassle it will cause.

-4-

We attended a little Mardi Gras party for kids at our church Tuesday morning.  It was just me and three homeschooling moms (which means, though, that there were a LOT of kids.  We had by far the smallest family).  The other women were all a little older than me and have kids who are older as well...but it was good to get to know them all a bit more, and learn from them.

Funnily enough, Sly actually remembered the Mardi Gras masks we had last year (he was only two years old then! - I'm constantly amazed at his memory), and asked me if he could wear one to the party.  I dug them out of the basement for him, and he picked one out.  He seems to have gotten the concept of "mask" indelibly linked with Halloween, though, because he made it clear that he hoped to "scare all the other kids" in his mask.  He spent a lot of the party chasing them around trying to do just that :-)

We ate pancakes and other breakfast fare, listened to a talk (and, randomly, the singing of some Irish songs) by our priest, and the kids made a Jonah and the Whale craft and participated in a felt-board story about Jonah.  Until about a week ago - I am ashamed to admit - I never even knew that story.  But its themes of sin, penance, and rebirth are so perfect for Lent.  I will want to re-visit this story with the kids.

The whale has a party blower as a "tongue" and can spew out the tiny Jonah. see instructions

-5-

Ash Wednesday was a really rough day for me.  It always is.  Fasting always makes me very grumpy.  This year, I wasn't even fasting, though, since I'm pregnant.  I just didn't let myself eat any meat or "junk food" all day.  Unfortunately for me, there was a package of cupcakes I had bought for us to eat on Mardi Gras.  But when we got home really late - and really full from a late dinner - on Tuesday night, we all just went right to bed.  So the cupcakes were still sitting there on Ash Wednesday, just taunting me.  I could not stop thinking about them.

I think I was also in a bad mood because my whole family was going out to dinner to celebrate my brother's birthday, and we couldn't join them.  Tom and I never go out to dinner - seriously, never - because we just can't afford to.  So when someone invites us out, it's a major treat for us.  I really wanted to go, but Tom thought we should go to Mass instead (I know - Ash Wednesday is not a day of obligation, but it's still good to go).  I had mentioned that maybe the kids and I could hit up an earlier Mass and then still be able to go out with my family, while he attended the evening Mass alone....but Tom gave me a hard time about it, saying, "it's just going out to eat!  I think it's more important to go to Mass as a family."  Ugh.  So I felt all guilty and irritated about that.

And Sly was just being really tough to deal with all day.  He was being disobedient, and much too rough with Stella.  I was already in a bad mood, so I ended up yelling at him much more than I wanted to.  After Mass that evening, when Tom took him up to the altar rail to pray, Sly apparently told him that he wanted to ask Jesus "for Mommy not to yell at me."  Oh man.  That made me feel really bad.

And then after the kids went to bed, Tom and I got into a big huge fight over nothing.  I was cranky, which made him cranky, which made me even more cranky, and....you know how it goes.

Anyways, I know it was all just Satan's way of trying to keep me from having a productive Lent.  I may have given into the temptation to get irritated and focus way too much on my own comfort that day, but I am newly resolved to begin again and keep chugging along towards Easter!

-6-

A friend lent me her copy of Pippa Middleton's book, Celebrate: A Year of Festivities for Families and Friends.  It's a big coffee-table-sized book with ideas for celebrating all sorts of holidays and other traditional feasts and gatherings.  She shares some really nice ideas for decorations, food, games, etc.  I really appreciate that most of the ideas seem pretty easy to replicate - even if you're not Martha Stewart.  It's written with a British audience in mind, but I'm pretty sure this version has been "Americanized" in terms of the recipe quantities, etc.    The price is a little high, though, so you might want to keep an eye out for it at your local library.

-7-

Alright, I'm just gonna pull a lame move, and sign out here.  I've already said a lot in this post, and my mind is drawing a blank for #7.  And I just heard Tom come home with a load of boxes, and I know he's expecting my help to start packing.  Until next time!

Quick Takes is hosted at Conversion Diary

Starting to Feel Like a "Real Mom"

Well, we finally bit the bullet and got a mini-van!  It really wasn't a hard sell on my part.  With a third kid on the way, we knew we needed more space for the car seats.  100% of the people I asked for recommendations of family-friendly cars (both in real life, and on this blog - thanks again, everyone!) positively raved about the benefits of mini-vans, saying they were *the* best vehicle for families.  And I believed them.  It's what I grew up riding in, and the type of car I learned to drive on.  And the thought of the increased amount of cargo space had me drooling.  Tom - as many men are - was fairly reluctant to have to join the legions of what he sees as totally-dorky-family-friendly-vehicle-driving-dads...but it had to happen.

We sold our old car and also bought this used van (a Dodge Caravan) via Craigslist.  I was nervous at first about doing everything through private sales like that, but it was easier - and much less expensive - than I expected.  The van is in great shape, with practically the same mileage as our previous car...and yet we netted $1000 overall from the trade - with some bonus room-to-grow to boot!

Tom refused to be in the shot with us - he's been playing up how embarrassed he is to own a mini-van

I feel like SUCH a mom now.  I mean, of course I've been a mom for several years, but....come on, I'm driving a mini-van!  We're (in the process of) buying a house!  I'm turning into my parents, man.  Not that that's a bad thing.  But it seems like not so long ago, I was still a carefree college student...

My younger brothers were all teasing us at dinner last night about "dropping the kids off at soccer practice" in our big old mini-van.

Also, a question for those who have blazed this trail before me:  The kids will be ages 3.5, 1.5, and newborn.  Any suggestions for the best seating arrangement?  I'm thinking of putting the youngest two in the second row (bucket seats), and Sly alone in the back seat.  I'll feel bad for him, though, since he'll be too far away to hand him stuff while I'm driving, or to have conversation with :-(

***

On a related note, I got my hair cut recently (which you can see in the photo above).  The lady chopped off seven inches, and this is the shortest it's been in many years.

Tom has always preferred me with long hair, and has begged me to keep it as long as possible.  Ever since Sly was born, I've been tempted from time to time to cut it to a more manageable length, but my dear husband has always expressed his extreme dislike for so-called "mom haircuts".  But I finally just got tired of dealing with so much hair, and announced that I was "going short!"  I think *maybe* I just said that to scare Tom a little, because I didn't even get it cut that short anyways - still past shoulder-length.  But now it's so much easier to deal with!

Tom's response when he saw it: "Ok.  It's not as bad as I expected."  ...whatever, I'll take it.

I probably needed a new "mom haircut" to go with my dorky new mini-van anyways :-)

It's Sheenazing! ...and Snow Days

So it looks like someone nominated my little blog for the Sheenazing awards (Best Blog by a Mom category)!  I have no illusions* that mine even approaches the awesomeness of many of the other great Catholic blogs that got nominations, but I am honored that someone thought of me and that I hereby get to put a cool icon of the ever-admired Venerable Archbishop Sheen in my sidebar!

Feel free to vote for me at A Knotted Life, and make sure to check out some of the other great blogs who received nominations.



***

In other news, I suddenly came down with a nasty sinus infection two nights ago.  These sorts of things often hit me when I'm pregnant and my immunity is low.  I'm sneezing and coughing like mad, and my head is filled with pressure.  I still hesitate to say I'm "sick", since I have certain personal guidelines about what that means.  It's annoying to deal with, but I can still function.

But many of you will be proud to know that for the first time in my life, I backed out of two events I was supposed to go to yesterday (with my Catholic moms group, and which I was looking forward to) solely out of consideration for other people who I could potentially infect.  I'm slowly learning.

It's just as well that I've been staying in the house the past few days, since this is what it's looked like outside.

My husband and a number of his co-workers were given permission to work from home all week because of the snow and cold.  I've had very mixed feelings in the past about his work-from-home-days.  It's been mostly nice this time around, as Tom can help a bit with the kids during his breaks, and is already home an hour earlier than usual.

But it can be a little frustrating (for both myself and the kids) to have him in the house all day but *not* really available.  He leaves messes that I'm not used to dealing with during the day, creates more dishes for me to wash, asks constantly what we have to eat or snack on (I know for a fact that he eats at least double when he's at home than when he's at work - what the heck?), and won't let me run the washer/dryer while he's on conference calls (since he takes them in the basement, away from yelling children).  Yesterday as I was feeling all yucky with my cold, dying for a nap and literally crawling up the stairs to bed, Tom stopped me and asked me to make him lunch "before I left him with Sly"...and I have to say I was fairly annoyed!  All I had to do was heat up leftovers in the microwave, but still :-P

But marriage is about sacrifice, and I shouldn't complain too much, since he did take over the duty of sending naughty children back to their beds at naptime while I got to rest, and he even cooked dinner for us tonight (frozen pizza..heh) while I caught up on reading blogs!


* If you happened to read my first draft where I misused the word "allusions" instead of "illusions", I beg you to charitably chalk it up to pregnancy-brain, rather than stupidity!

Our Sort-of "Babymoon" in Phoenix

Tom and I visited our friends in Phoenix, AZ over the Thanksgiving weekend so we could become the godparents of their new baby.  It was such an honor to be asked, and I'm very happy to have a godson now.
 

We left our kids with Tom's parents for four whole days.  We've never been away from Sly for more than one night, and have never been away from Stella overnight at all.  I was worried that they might miss us or have a tough time adjusting, but I was totally wrong.  Each day we called to see how they were doing.  Stella was apparently in a better mood than ever, and learning all sorts of new tricks that I've been unable to help her do for all of her 15+ months (such as walking for real, and climbing down stairs).  Sly would be put on the phone to say hi to us, and then quickly say, "I'm done talking to you now" and hand off the phone to the grandparents!  Geez - so much for missing us, kids!

It was nice to get away by ourselves for a bit, though.  Anytime Tom and I find ourselves out without the kids for whatever reason, we joke that we're "on a date," and make sure to do the little things we never get to do anymore, such as holding hands or (in my case) actually having a car door held open for me (since Tom isn't busy loading a kid into a car seat!).  So we called this a four-day-long date, including the boring parts in the airports and everything in between.

On a date.  Tom doesn't like flowers in his hair.

Pheonix was, of course, quite different from my hometown of Pittsburgh...

Positives: It was interesting to see all the new flora and fauna.  I have never been to the southwest before, nor have I ever seen a desert in real life.  My mind kept imagining the early settlers who first came across this land, and what they must have thought about it, and how they would have lived.  There is a lot of cowboy and Native American history there, and it was fun to learn a bit about it.  Also, we ate some delicious meals.  There are a lot of great bars and restaurants to check out.

Pony express statue

Saguaro cactus

Negatives: We could sit outside in short sleeves in December.  Many people might see this as a good thing, but I don't think I could ever stand living somewhere that didn't have seasons.  Yes, I may get sick of the snow and cold come February....but at least I get to experience it each year!  And there's no grass there, except for the few places which are artificially watered like crazy...which seems somewhat ecologically irresponsible to me.  Also, there's hardly anything there that's old.  Almost all the buildings are 1950's or newer, and just not architecturally interesting to me at all.

Can't you just picture a western movie taking place here?

Believe it or not, I'm only 5 or 6 months pregnant, or so....(I lose track all the time).

Mountains!  Palm trees!

Pretty much every plant in Arizona can seriously hurt you, as we found out the hard way (Tom is doing a re-enactment)

There Needs to be "Quick Takes" on a Monday!

 I just have some random unrelated things to say.


Babymoon?

Our soon-to-be godson was born earlier this month!  Tom and I are flying to Phoenix where his parents now live (unfortunately, because we really miss them) to be at the baptism.  Without the kids.  For FOUR DAYS.  Sly has been away from us for maybe...one night, when Stella was born.  But Stella has never been away from us before.  I'm not sure which of us this will be harder on!  My in-laws are bravely and generously agreeing to watch the kids for us all that time.

Since this is such a rare opportunity for Tom and I, though, I feel like we really need to try to make the most of it.  Also, we'll be away over Tom's birthday - a great additional reason to celebrate!  I've never really considered taking a "babymoon" - a special get-away for the parents before a new baby comes and makes life even more crazy - but Kendra discussed it recently, and it does sound appealing.  If we can hold this concept in mind while we're away, I think it could make for a really pleasant little trip.

Allergies

My eyes have been bothering me for several months now.  My contacts just felt really terrible most days, so throughout August and September, I was only wearing them about half the time.  The past couple months, I haven't even attempted to put them in at all.  Various times during the day, my eyes feel irritated (the way they feel when I have a contact in that gets dirty or ripped) or even sting a little. 

I finally saw the eye doctor about it, and he said I have a pretty significant allergic reaction going on.  I won't be able to wear contacts again until we clear it up, which will require medication.  I told him I was pregnant, though, and I think he was actually a little annoyed by that news.  He said he doesn't feel comfortable prescribing anything while I'm pregnant, so I'll just have to wait....four months!  Ugh.  I'm getting sick of my glasses.  The kids are constantly touching the lenses or knocking them around.

I tend to be somewhat skeptical about allergies, since it seems like everyone and their mother is "allergic" to something these days.  Seriously - how did people come this far being allergic to common things like grass and pollen??  But I've suspected for a while that I might be allergic to something.  For instance, every morning when I walk into my kitchen for the first time, I sneeze like crazy for about 10-15 minutes.  I have no idea why.  It doesn't happen for the rest of the day, but there must be something in there that's irritating me. 

The eye doctor said it wouldn't be a bad idea to have allergy testing at some point.  What's that involve, though?  Can they do that while I'm pregnant?


Tom's job

I mentioned a couple weeks ago that Tom and I had to consider the possibility of him totally changing career tracks.  He was given an offer to work for a Catholic radio station.  It would have been a significant boost in salary, as well as a much more pleasant work environment for Tom.  But then there was the hour commute each way to consider, and the fact that we were not willing to move very much closer to the job.  Also, the radio station has a very clear cap on how high (position-wise and salary-wise) Tom could potentially move.  Maybe it wouldn't actually  matter, but since we don't know what the future has in store for us, it was a little concerning.  Anyways, his current employer gave him a counter-offer that was good enough to make Tom decide to stay. 

Ultimately, Tom's decision was the result of prayer.  I won't go into all the personal details, but I really think this was one of the only times Tom has ever felt absolutely certain that he was being given a clear answer to a prayer, and it was a pretty beautiful thing to see how overwhelmed with emotion that made him.

Thank you for everyone who was praying for us.


Etsy

We're still keeping up with our Etsy shop.  The good news is, we haven't wasted any money on it.  Including the initial cost for all our merchandise as well as various packing supplies we've needed, we've still made a profit overall.  The bad news is, the profit is pretty small when you consider how many hours we've put into it.  This really is much more of a hobby than a business.  We're still enjoying it for now, so we aren't planning to stop.  But we'll see how much it starts to take over our free time (and our free closet space!  That's the one thing I think eBay sales really have on Etsy.  After the auction ends, you get to mail that stuff away!  No storing it for an indefinite period until someone decides to buy it!).


Doula

I found out that I can actually get a doula paid for by our insurance this time around.  That's a pretty great deal, because you usually need to pay out-of-pocket, and they run around $500-$700 (at least from the research I've done). 

I had scheduled with a doula from the specific doula group the insurance required me to use.  But I just didn't feel comfortable with it.  We had the same doula, Bethany, at the birth of both Sly and Stella, and we really loved her.  I already knew that she worked well with me and Tom, and I felt nervous taking a chance on someone new to be there at such a crucial and sensitive time as my baby's birth!  I knew Bethany would love to be there for our third birth, and hated to feel as if we were leaving her out (and keeping it a secret from her).  Tom and I discussed it, and decided that with his promised raise at the job, we should allow ourselves the "luxury" of paying to have Bethany again.  She very happily agreed to it, and I'm feeling a lot better about the birth now!

Expressing Romance to Your Spouse

Tom was feeling sick this morning, but decided to go into work anyways.  When I finally rolled out of bed and got the kids down to the kitchen (oh, about 10am....I know, it's bad), I texted him to ask how he was feeling.

Tom: "Tired, weak, and sluggish, but other wise fine.  Thanks you for asking, though...you asking makes me feel a little better already ;)"
Me: "That previous comment didn't sound like you at all...you MUST be sick!"

Not that I necessarily want my husband to be that sappy with me all the time, but a little sweet comment here and there surely wouldn't hurt.  I feel like he was much sappier with me while we were dating.  I know that things change, and definitely our love is deeper and more tested now after several years of marriage.  But it would be nice to see that love-struck look in his eyes every now and then.  To hear him say how much he loves some little thing about me.

Sometimes I ask him to be more romantic towards me, and he has no clue what it is I want.  He asks me for examples, but I feel like that just defeats the purpose.  Romantic gestures, to me, means doing something sweet and unprompted for the one you love. 
 
We realized long ago that we have different "love languages" [take the quiz, if you haven't already - It can be very enlightening!], and this is probably part of the problem.  Because I have to constantly remind myself that, "Hey, when Tom scooped the cat litter after dinner, he was letting me know that he loved me...even though to me, it just seemed like a chore he should be doing anyways." And he has to constantly remind himself, "Hey, if I want to make my wife feel loved, I should actually sit next to her while we watch this movie instead of on the other side of the room where I'd be more comfortable." 

After the "butterflies" of the early days of a relationship start to fade away, you realize that love really is, as they say, "an act of the will."  It is choosing to put the other's good ahead of your own.  Maybe during this phase, romantic gestures don't just happen spontaneously anymore either.  I know when we were dating, I would very often scratch Tom's head for him, just because I knew he liked it.  Now I never do.  I used to not have to think about it - I just wanted so much to be close to him and make him happy.  Maybe romance becomes an act of the will as well.  Maybe you have to go about them much more consciously than in the past.

Of course...if one spouse started doing this regularly, I would think it could stir up some of those old lovely "feelings" (feelings aren't love, but they can make love easier) in the other.  And then maybe the romantic gestures would be reciprocated, without having to think about it.

Can romantic gestures generate deeper love between spouses?  Maybe.  At the least, they could probably lessen friction and misunderstandings.  So it's something to work at.

Has anyone tried to do this consciously in their marriage?  Any tips?

Our Love Story (Part 3)

 Catch up on Part 1 and Part 2.

Reminder of where we are in the story: Tom and I are super tight friends, and hang out all the time, but despite appearances we honestly don't have feelings for each other.

I was just reminded that that February, I had started a 54-day Rosary Novena.  I don't remember the exact wording of my intention, but it was basically asking that I would find the man I would marry.  It ended mid-April.  Some may argue that it was coincidental, but I do believe this had something to do with the events which follow [also of note: the only other time I used this novena was later in our relationship, with the intention that Tom would come to know for sure whether we should marry or not.  And that all worked out shortly after as well].

Spending Time Together

For Easter, I attended the Latin vigil Mass for the first time (I was going there regularly on Sundays, but always went to Easter Mass at my home parish).  Tom sat next to me, and shared his missal with me, whispering to me about each of the special rituals which was about to happen.  I really liked the missal he was using - one which was broken into four small volumes, making it easier to carry around and hold.  A few days later, he gave them to me.  Sometime after that, he gave me the book The Bad Catholic's Guide to Wine, Whiskey, & Song.  He said he had seen it on Amazon, and thought of me.  I was surprised that he just bought me a gift for no reason, but I did appreciate it (it's a great book, by the way).

Tom and I were hanging out a couple times each week.  One of the big topics of conversation for us was relationships.  Neither of us had any thought that this could possibly be a prelude to a relationship between us.  I think we were both very much feeling "ready" for a relationship at that point, so it was on our minds.  We are both "thinkers" who tend to get hung up on a certain topic for a while, and we both happened to be interested in this one at the same time.  It was great to have someone to share our ponderings with.  It never seemed inappropriate to be discussing this stuff with a guy.  Actually, it was really nice to get the candid perspective of the opposite sex on those matters.  When we weren't together in person to talk about these things, we would call, text, or e-mail our latest thoughts and questions.  Some of the things we discussed were: do soul-mates exist?  What are the differences/pros/cons between casual dating, "official" dating, and courtships?  What are the roles of a man and a woman in a dating relationship?  What is love (in all its forms, as explained by C.S. Lewis in his The Four Loves)?

I know it really really must sound as if we both had secret crushes on each other, and were bringing up these topics because we wanted to date each other, but it wasn't like that.  One day I sent a text telling Tom I had just seen his "dream girl", and he needed to get to the library right away (she was a librarian, a red-head, cute, and wore dorky glasses.  Totally his type) (he couldn't make it because he was in class, and when he stopped by later, she was gone).  Also, Tom had confided his possible interest in a girl who was a mutual friend of ours, and I was completely in support of it.  Any time I hung out with her, as I often did, I made sure to put in many good words about Tom, gushing about what a wonderful guy he was [haha - so funny in retrospect].  Let's just call her "Liz".

Often when greeting each other, or when parting, Tom and I had taken to giving each other a hug.  We had remarked many times that we "had the best hugs" and "fit together so well."  [I know, I know!  But SERIOUSLY.  Dating each other absolutely never dawned on us at this point!]

There was a party one weekend at the house where he used to live with our guy friends.  Tom told me early on that he wanted to talk to me later about some recent thoughts on the "Liz situation."  The night wore on, and I hadn't seen Tom for a long time.  I looked all over, but he didn't seem to be around.  I tried calling his phone several times, and he didn't answer.  Finally, one of his roommates informed me that he had been sitting up on the roof alone for a long time with another girl.  I got really irritated, and decided to just go home.  I told myself that I was mad at him for "Liz's" sake.  As I was walking - I lived just a couple blocks away - I got a text from him, asking me to "save him."  Apparently, the girl was pretty interested in him, and he was having trouble breaking free of the conversation without being rude.  I told him something to the effect of "you got yourself into this mess, now get yourself out of it."  Afterwards, we had a long talk about it.  I remember that both of us felt it necessary that he explain himself and apologize to me.  I couldn't understand at the time, though, what had made me so upset over it.

Tom and I and a few other friends had begun watching episodes of The Tudors a couple nights a week (which was on dvd at this point).  Tom is a history buff, so he was always filling me in on the backstory and the details of the British peerage system.  In early May, I went with my family for a weekend at our Cottage.  I remember telling my dad all about the interesting things Tom had taught me about that period, and even reading some of his texts aloud.  This then got me to gushing about what a wonderful guy Tom was, and how much I thought my dad would love talking with him.

But I still had no idea that I had feelings for him!

The next weekend, I was going to go back to the Cottage with some college friends.  Tom was one of them, and I had already told him so much about this magical place that I couldn't wait to introduce him to.  A couple days before we left, he contacted me with some bad news: his mom had basically invited herself over for the night on Friday, and since it was Mother's Day weekend, he couldn't say no.  The rest of us were all going to drive up Thursday, and Tom didn't own a car, so he wouldn't be able to make it.  I was totally crushed.

But we ended up making a new plan!  I would catch a ride in one of the other cars, and leave my car in Pittsburgh for Tom.  Then he could drive up Saturday morning and still get a little time there.  It worked out, and he came on Saturday, also bringing our friend Kevin.

Saturday evening with everyone

Four of our friends left Sunday morning, leaving me, Tom, Kevin and Mike behind.  We had decided to milk the trip for all it was worth because Tom and Kevin had only been up there since the previous morning.  But Sunday ended up being a pretty lousy day - gray and rainy.

a pic from Tom's camera

 After a short walk around, we settled on the front porch for the rest of the afternoon.

Yes, I am eating ice cream out of a huge bucket.  Something wrong with that?

 I Discover My Feelings

For years, I had heard testimonies about how the best relationships/marriages are ones that develop from a pre-existing friendship.  I fully believed this to be true, and always hoped it would happen to me.  But the funny thing is, through the years it was always some other guy friend I was pining after.  And when that wouldn't work out, I'd conclude "oh well.  I guess I'm not going to end up dating someone who was a friend first."  Tom was right under my nose the whole time.  But I never considered him that way.

Anyways, back to that Sunday at the Cottage.  This is where the story gets embarrassing because it involves two (uncharacteristic!) episodes of me being really drunk...

We broke out a pack of cards to play some games, and Tom pulled out a bottle of whiskey he had brought.  He insisted that we keep it wrapped inside the paper bag to be "authentic" and pass it around in a circle.  When it came to a person, Tom ensured that they took a swig before they passed it along.  Needless to say, within a short time, we were all drunk (except Mike, who I suspect might have been faking his swigs for awhile).  We moved indoors to continue our game, since the rain was coming onto the porch by this point.  We were all playing very sloppily and laughing at stupid things. 


All of a sudden, it hit me.  I was just bowled over by the realization that *Tom and I should be together*.  All the great things I'd been telling "Liz" about him were true, and now I wanted him for me.  We had so many shared interests.  We loved being in each other's company, and talking, and confiding in each other.  We shared those great hugs, we knew each other's faults already.  It just made so much sense.  I must've been just gazing at him in wonderment, because he remarked, "wow, Christine - you make much better eye contact when you're drunk."  Haha!

As they say: "in vino veritas".  Whiskey, in this case.  But it had the same effect.

Our friend Mike had to drive my car home, since he was the only one capable of it at that point.  Kevin sat up front, with Tom and I in the back (I'm sure I contrived that somehow).  The whole ride, I was dying to be close to Tom.  I wanted to touch him so badly.  Finally, when we made a stop, I just blurted out, "Tom, I just really want to hug you right now!" and we did, and it was great.  He probably just chalked it up to me being intoxicated.

The next day, I called my friend Elise and told her everything.  I think she was pretty surprised.  I was just so confused about what to do now.  I knew Tom didn't feel the same way.  We had been friends for so many years, and he had never felt that way about me.  How could I expect him to start now?  What were the chances of us both feeling that way at the same time?

I began praying about it very intently.  Something like, "God, if Tom ever did or ever could have feelings for me, please let them develop now."  I think I believed that the chance would slip away if it didn't happen then.

[Looking back, I don't think I made very prudent or appropriate decisions during this next part, but I trusted Tom fully.  I'm telling you the story as it is.]

The next Saturday, Tom called me and asked if I wanted to come over to watch the Preakness (horse race) and drink whiskey with him.  Absolutely!  I don't remember what time of day it was, but I ended up staying there very late.  We just kept talking and talking about all sorts of things.  My memories of this are all fairly fuzzy - err, could've been the whiskey again... - so I don't remember exactly how it happened, but eventually we had finished the whole bottle.  I think it was very late.  I was definitely drunk again.  Usually, Tom would walk me home if it was nighttime, but he was drunk as well, and needed to be at work at 6am (!).  He suggested that I just crash at his place.  He'd let me sleep in his bed, and he'd take the couch.  I was concerned about the scandal this would cause my roommates.  I think he actually had me call one of them to explain (?).  Anyways, that's what ended up happening.  He lent me some pajamas, and he tucked me into bed.  As he was doing so, I thought he kissed me.  I wasn't certain, as everything was all awhirl at this point.  I thought he had kissed me...but no, I decided, it must have just been wishful thinking.  I fell asleep.

The next morning, I had my first-ever hangover.  I felt terrible, and could barely move from the bed (except for occasional dashes to the bathroom).  I texted Tom at work to tell him about it, and he felt really guilty.  When he arrived back at his apartment, I was still there, sleeping.  He had brought breakfast stuff, and he cooked me up a tasty brunch before walking me home.


Tom Discovers His Feelings

Two days later, I was hanging out at my mom's house, and was signed into G-chat.  Tom and I were having a conversation about various light topics.  Then this happened...

Tom: so, the other thing I was thinking about asking...
me: yes?
Tom: well, anyway Christine, I should come out with you honestly
me: o...k..

[completely terrified about what he's about to say] 

Tom: I have though about "You and I" a lot lately
I have come to the conclusion (and I might be wrong) that you and I are destined for a very good friendship, but nothing more... this is a weird thing to mention, but I feel like I need to say it
ALTHOUGH, it's not like I've ruled it out...
sorry that it's so weird, but it's been something i've been thinking about

[at this point, my heart is hammering, I'm almost hyperventilating, and shaking with nerves.  OH NO!  Worst possible conclusion!!  He thought about it, and he decided "No"!!]

me: ok...I've been thinking about that too of late
Tom: well, that's good to know
any thoughts?
in particular?
me: well...
hmm
we've been friends for many years now, and much closer ones more lately. During that time, there were various points where I questioned myself on whether I had any feelings for you, and I always decided no. There were always other things making anything between us seem impossible. I'm not sure what did it, but recently, suddenly, one day...things sorta clicked, and I was like, "wow - Tom and I have all these things in common, and we think alike in a lot of ways, and why did I never consider him before?" And I have been keeping those things in mind and trying to figure it all out. No conclusion had been arrived at yet
but perhaps you just provided it

[definitely avoiding actually coming out and admitting that I have feelings for him]

Tom: Well, whatever it means, I could have said exactly the same things you just said.
I dunno, Christine...
me: I don't know either
Tom: Can I call you?
me: yeah

We talked on the phone.  I still did my best to present the case that we would be a good match, without actually admitting that I had feelings for him.  He ended up saying, "I'll tell you what.  So we're planning to go to the Clayton [a historical house] on Thursday.  Is it alright if we make that a date?"  So we did.  We had already been planning (at my urging) to get dressed up, then take a tour of the house, and possibly grab lunch somewhere afterwards.  Everything was set up for us.

THE DATE

...was totally awkward.  We were both so strained and forced and not ourselves.  We had no clue how to talk to each other anymore!  There was many embarrassed smiles and awkward pauses.  The day was still pleasant, but at the end of the date I felt like this had been a test and maybe we hadn't done very well on it.

Thankfully, we weren't given much time to muse over it.  That evening, Tom was having a cookout at his place, which he had asked me to co-host (a ploy, I think, to avoid having to do any of the organizational tasks involved).  We were able to interact once again in a comfortable way, in the company of friends.

Happy because Tom and I had finally been given "our chance"

At the end of the night, there was an unspoken understanding that I would hang around later than everyone else so we could talk.  When the other guests were finally gone, we sat down, and said, "soooo....how about that date?  Pretty awkward, huh?"  And it was wonderful.  We both just laughed and laughed at how stupid we had been, and how we didn't know how to act around each other.  We made a promise that we would just "be normal" with each other from then on.  And we were.

Anyways, the rest, as they say, is history.  We got married and had two beautiful babies.  We're not a perfect couple, but we have a solid friendship as our foundation, and that keeps the relationship strong.

I still sometimes marvel over how long it took for us each to see each other in this way.  But I'm pretty sure that at any time previous to this, we weren't right for each other...weren't ready for each other.  God was forming us each in different ways over those years, and we had finally reached a point where we were a good match for one another.  And thankfully, it worked out.

[EDIT:  That kiss that I thought I had just imagined was actually real.  Tom had kissed me goodnight.  But we don't consider it our first kiss, since I wasn't kissing him back :-P )

Our Love Story (Part 2)

See Part 1

So when we left off, Tom had gone back to the other side of the state to live with his parents for awhile, and I was missing him like heck.  I finally got to see Tom again when I traveled out that way for my friend's wedding.  He spent the day showing some of us around Philadelphia.

 
And then mid-summer, he returned to Pittsburgh, and we got to hang out again!

Yes, that's his real hair

Yes, that enormous afro is his REAL HAIR!!

I bugged him enough about his hairdo that he offered to let me cut it off, when he was "ready".  Towards the end of the summer, he was finally getting sick of his head being so hot all the time, and invited me over to do the deed.  We spent the evening on his front porch, chatting while I whittled away at the huge mass with scissors and electric clippers (side note: I still cut Tom's hair for him today).

At my surprise birthday party - notice way less hair under his hat

My friends threw me a surprise party at their new place.  In the kitchen, I noticed a beautiful handmade clock with images of the Virgin Mary decoupaged around it.  I picked it up, gasping, and said "Wow, whose is this?"  Over my shoulder, Tom answer, "oh.  It's yours.  I made it for your birthday.  I know how much you love Madonna and Child images."

Still on my wall at home :-)

Senior Year

Tom and I continued spending tons of time together in our large social group.

He came to visit me at my first-ever apartment

At a St. Therese party.  I told him he looked great, and made him let me get a picture

 He brought his sister to the annual NC Barn Dance that year, so I got to meet her [not the gal shown in the picture below]

Dressed up, as always.  

 And at my apartment-warming party, he showed up with his dad - so I got to meet him too.  I went to see Tom play with his band a couple times (not because I liked the music much - ha, but because they always begged friends to help them meet their audience quota for the bars).

The guys' house had moved to bigger place, and their parties had become legendary by now.  They attracted larger crowds, and were always a great time.

From the "Pirates and Ninjas on a Plane" party at Halloween [remember when all those things were so trendy and cool?]

A bunch of the guys decided to pile on whichever one of them I had the misfortune of sitting next to.  I kinda got squashed under the pile.  I'm on the far left.  Tom is wearing the plaid bathrobe (?!).

Channeling Frank Sinatra at the fancy cocktail party, planned and hosted by Tom, myself, and my friend Elise.

Yet another party.  On the Facebook comments after this photo was posted, I remember Tom writing, "We look like my parents."  That stuck with me for some reason.

During the winter, Tom found himself in a difficult personal situation.  I was one of the few people - and the only female - who he confided in about things.  He began coming to me often for help or advice.  I was concerned, but firm with him about what he needed to do.  During this period, I began telling him regularly that I loved him (but just as a friend!).

I was also dealing with my own much less serious issues.  A hopeless case of unrequited...well, enormous crush on a guy.  And he'd given me the old "I need to discern the priesthood" line.  You Catholic girls know what I'm talking about.  Anyways, Tom wrote me this sweet note, which I still have:

"Don't sweat ____ too much: he's got God as his top priority, which is obviously a good thing.  Besides, the Church has one billion members, half of whom are male!  Also, I, at least, will *always* be there for you!  Always Yours, Thomas ____"

By this point, we kept one another pretty up-to-date on our love lives (or lack thereof).  Both of us were often suggesting mutual friends that the other should consider dating.

He ended up going back to live with his parents for awhile again.  It was all pretty sudden, and I wasn't given any warning.  He became impossible to get ahold of (he had always been terrible about returning phone calls or texts, but contact from him virtually stopped for awhile).  A couple of our friends knew some more details, but they had all decided on total secrecy, and no one would tell me anything.  I felt concern, sadness, and irritation.  And I really missed him.



It wasn't until a couple months later that I finally managed to get ahold of him.  He sent me a sweet e-mail once, saying: "I miss spending time with you. You are a great influence on me, and a great friend. And you're very beautiful and deserving of a good man. If any dude ever gives you trouble, just let me know and I'll break his neck!...Thanks for being my friend."

I left him voice messages and texts very often.  Once in a blue moon, he'd get back to me.  A couple times we spoke over the phone.  He was still in a rough place, and wasn't himself.  He never had a whole lot to say.  But I'd always fill him in on the latest stuff going on with me and our friends back in Pittsburgh.  And I'd tell him very candidly what I thought he needed to do.

Finally, near the end of the summer, he came back!

Out for margaritas

My Grad Program Year
[I still think of most events of my life in terms of what year of school I was in.  This would have been 2007-2008.]

In September, Tom was the bestman for his friend's wedding.  I knew the couple, but not that well.  Tom asked me to be his date.  Well, I guess I should say his "plus one" because he assured me that it was just as friends.  We had a nice time there, and tore up the dance floor.

But as the night wore on - and we had both had a few drinks - I started feeling a little awkward.  I knew we were just friends, but why was I the one girl in the world he had chosen to ask to this wedding?  As the party wrapped up, one of Tom's band-mates asked if we wanted to go hang out somewhere else with him and his date.  Something about this just screamed "double date!!" to me, and I was convinced that if I said yes, I would send Tom the wrong message.  So I declined.

Tom and I and one of my roommates started a little "breakfast and a movie" club, since with Tom's schedule, mornings were one of the only times he could hang out most days.  He would walk up to our house - he was living just down the street in an apartment - bearing bacon and eggs.  We'd cook it up, and then watch a movie together.

It was nice having him back in my life, and spending time with him again.

Cooking a big feast (we're the two on the right)

Our for drinks with friends (I hate his facial hair here...ugh)

Out for drinks a week later.  You would think, from this picture, that we were dating....but no.

Tom and I  threw another fancy party at his new apartment.  This time for the Ides of March.  I know it's hard to tell here by our awkwardness, but we were dancing.

By this point in time, Tom and I were almost a "unit" in some ways.  I don't know how to describe it.  Something akin to "partners in crime."  We were always on the same team.  There were some lame-o guys spreading rumors about people for awhile, and Tom and I always took one another's side.  We stuck up for each other.

A friend had a "Hollywood" party, and I made sure that Tom and I posed together for a bunch of glamor shots.  Here are a couple.

I know it's hard to believe, but at this point in time, we were still JUST FRIENDS.
"Two whole posts written...almost five years of knowing each other, and they're not even dating yet?  They don't even have romantic feelings for each other??!"  Nope.  But in the next part, I'll finally explain how that all happened, and wrap this thing up!  See part 3

Our Love Story (Part 1)

Ok, ok, ok...I'm jumping on Grace's bandwagon!


Freshman Year
Neither Tom nor I remember the actual first time we met.  But it was definitely close to the beginning of our freshman year at Pitt (University of Pittsburgh), 2003.  We both got involved with the Newman Center - the Catholic group - on campus, and quickly became part of the same wide circle of friends.  I do remember my early impressions of Tom (which still hold true today): that he was a goofy, fun-loving, laidback guy, and extremely friendly.  The kind of person who can have a conversation with anyone.  I, in the meantime, was a shy, dorky, never been-on-a-date-before gal.  Within the members of the Newman Club, various little friend groups formed.  I spent most of my time with a a select few people, and only really interacted with Tom at larger group settings.

 

some of my close friends.  I'm second from the right.

My earliest specific memory of him was a time early in the schoolyear when I was just hanging around the Newman Center, and Tom invited me to go with him and a few other NC people I really didn't know to see some movie that night.  I remember actually being a little annoyed that he asked, because I knew he was "faking it" and "just inviting me to be nice."

Tom on the right.  Totally not dating material, I thought.

Most of the year, I had a huge crush on a different guy, and Tom was still in a (long-distance) relationship with his high school girlfriend.  So he was not at all on my "radar" in a dating sense.  I began going to a different Mass on Sundays, where Tom was one of the altar servers.  Afterwards, he'd often join my group to get brunch.  By the end of the year, we were friends, but not very close.

I don't have many pictures from this time, because I didn't yet have one of the all-the-rage fancy new "digital cameras", and you know...you actually cared about conserving your film back then.

 

The ONLY picture of us both together from freshman year, after the March for Life (I'm in blue coat, and he's behind me (pretending to be?) on the phone)

Sophomore Year 
I think sometime during this year, Tom may have broken up with his high-school girlfriend (who I met once, by the way, and she was very sweet).  I'm not even certain, because it didn't register with me.  I still had hopeless crushes on a handful of other guys.  Tom still had no interest in me in that way.  In fact, if memory serves, this was the year he decided to take a one-year "dating fast" (before FOCUS made it cool) after ending his relationship.

Not much to report about this year.  I started to gain a better appreciation for Tom's goofiness.  He used to like to dress up and call attention to himself.

yes, that's his real hair

he showed up to a fancy dinner event in a bowler hat, and I had to get some pictures

We ran into each other all the time at Newman Center events, and I began to invite him to hang out with friends when we were doing anything "outside" of the NC.

10 people up a tree - Tom's idea

Tom standing behind me, in the blue shirt

I love this one, because he was messing up the shot and my best friend Elise is yelling at him

Friends burying me in the snow

 I ended up finally going on a few dates near the end of the schoolyear.  But definitely not with Tom.



Junior Year
I have this theory that it takes me two years of knowing someone/being in a certain social group before I can truly open up and stop feeling shy.  This was the year I finally hit my stride, and turned into somewhat of a social butterfly (at least amongst the Newman Center members).

Just look at me holding the attention of four men!

This was a big year in many ways, but it definitely brought Tom and I closer as well.

I remember the first time I saw him that year, after four months of summer break.  I was working the NC booth at the activities fair, and he sauntered over wearing a blue-striped dress shirt.  I thought he looked quite handsome.  I asked him why he was all dressed up, and he said just because.  I advised him that he dress that way more often.

I had my first real boyfriend near the beginning of the year.  It didn't last long.  Tom was the first to find out when we broke up (because he asked me right after it happened, "how's <guy's name>?") and tried to cheer me up.

Tom lived in a house with a bunch of other guys (most of whom also hung out around the NC and who all eventually became friends).  He began inviting me to some of their little spontaneous late-night parties.  They would start around 10:00.  They'd serve a few jugs of the cheapest red wine (Inglenook Burgundy), make an enormous pot of spaghetti, and make one little jar of sauce.  Everytime.  No one ever got enough sauce.  But they'd play jazz music, and we'd talk and have a great time.

For Halloween they had a big party, the infamous "Vino Halloweeno."  Everyone was asked to dress as a mafia member.  Tom was going around, getting people to pose for fun photos.  He got a lot of great shots of guys in fedoras holding fake guns.  I was essentially the only female there (or at least the only one who dressed as requested), so he had me pose for all the femme fatale-type ones.

I think Tom actually has this one hung up in his office now

 When he turned 21 in November, he invited all his over-21 friends out to a jazz club.  When I showed up in a blue-purple velvet dress, he looked me up and down (perhaps already somewhat tipsy) and said, "You, young lady, are dressed to kill tonight."  Tom had always been something of a flirt.  But until that year, he'd never bothered to flirt with me.  I liked the attention.  But when I occasionally paused to ask myself if I "liked him, liked him" the answer was always no.

In December, Tom and I did our first ever Tom-and-Christine-only activity.  We took the bus and spent the day shopping at thrift stores and used book stores (ha!  sounds just like us).  While we were out, I felt compelled to spill the beans about my growing crush on one of his roommates.  He was a little surprised, but happy about the opportunity to possibly lend a hand.  Tom didn't go about this in the way I wanted, and I almost killed him over it at the time, but...long story short, me and the other guy did end up dating for awhile.

Just enjoying the company of a good friend.

Shortly after the start of the second semester, Tom withdrew from classes due to some personal things going on.  He went to live with his parents and make some money for a while.  I missed him a lot, and often said so to my good friend and roommate.  She teased me about it, suggesting that I secretly had a crush on Tom.  I always answered honestly that I didn't, but just really cared about him as a friend.

***

This is turning into a saga!  I'll try to be back soon with the rest.  Part 2 Part 3