Friday, August 9, 2013

Life in the Tunnel



I've been feeling somewhat bogged down recently with motherly and housekeeping tasks.  I'm sure some of the cause is actually just the oppressively hot weather sapping a lot of my energy.  And surely a part of it is the fact that Stella has become a lot more demanding recently.  She's turning one (!) next week.  She's no longer content to just sit in my lap while I read to Sly, or lie in her baby gym batting at toys while I clean the house or cook dinner.  She wants to be entertained and played with all the time.  She's explored every inch of the house, and is totally bored with it now.  She demands new stimuli all the time, causing me to dig through junk drawers and closets to find anything new and novel to let her play with for a little while (my nail polish collection kept her happily busy for a half hour yesterday). She eats real food, and makes real big messes while she's at it.  Some days, it feels like almost my entire day was spent preparing, serving, eating, and cleaning up from meals.

And the kids are on completely opposite nap schedules, and it's driving me a little crazy.  By the time we're all finally dressed, washed, and fed for the morning, Stella goes down for her first nap.  She wakes up, we eat lunch, and then it's Sly's nap time.  Then Stella goes for a second nap a couple hours later, and I often just...tell Sly he has to stay in his room a little longer, even if he's awake, because I really need the time to get things done!  I used to be able to get chores out of the way when I just had Stella with me, but now she just screams and crawls after me the whole time, grabbing at my skirt.  Sigh.  So it's slow-going.  If we go anywhere during the day - the supermarket, a playdate, etc. - someone is going to miss a nap, and it just makes the rest of their day (and mine too) a bit less pleasant.

And I think to myself, "oh my gosh, I only have two of them!"  What will happen when we have more?  And how on earth will I ever fit homeschooling into our day, when I find it hard just to keep up with caring for the kids and the house?" 

But this is a recent thing, this feeling of not being able to keep up.  So I'm pretty sure that means it's mostly a phase, and things will ease in some ways down the road.  For the first time, I think I'm really starting to feel what is described as The Tunnel of Parenthood.

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But I have stumbled upon a few realizations that have helped a bit.

I read somewhere recently that a lot of housekeeping tasks are "never ending" and that if you try to think of them in terms of something to complete and check off your list, then you'll never be satisfied.  Take laundry, for example.  Seriously, does it ever get done?  Almost as soon as a load is started, some new item has been made dirty and added to the pile (especially at our house, where we use cloth diapers, wipes, napkins, etc.).  And once the clothes are all cleaned and dried, you still have to fold things, iron (some) things, and put everything away.  If you look at it just as an ongoing task which you should work at a bit each day, it's easier to deal with.  I've been doing pretty well staying on top of things by throwing in a load or two first thing each morning, folding during Sly's naptime, ironing (once or twice a week) during Stella's second naptime, and putting the folded items away anytime I'm up in the bedrooms.

I also realized that I'm taking the wrong approach to how I tidy the house  Every day, I come downstairs in the morning to a stack of dishes from the evening before, waiting piles of laundry, and various toys and items strewn all around, and it sets off something in my brain.  I spend the first hour of the morning trying to blitz the whole house and get it in order.  It's hard for me to relax until order is mostly restored.  I love how our house looks on the days when I clean right before company comes.  I wish it could look like that everyday.  But I've finally realized that at least at this point in my life, that's not realistic.  Not unless I want to feel as stressed out as I feel the day company is coming every day of my life.  Oh boy.  I don't want that, and my husband definitely does not want that (heh).  So I've been trying to cut myself a little slack.  Not so much by lowering my standards for cleanliness, but mostly by giving myself more time to get it all done.  Why does the house need to be spic-and-span first thing in the morning?  So I've been trying to tackle things a bit at a time throughout the day.  By the time Tom gets home, things are fairly tidy.  Not as tidy, of course, as I would make it when we were expecting guests.  But definitely good enough that I wouldn't be embarrassed due to any surprise visitors (which, unfortunately, we never actually get.  No one just drops by on friends anymore.)

And on a related note, since it would be something to potentially lift my spirits and give me some needed support, I bring up one final good idea.  Kendra mentioned the idea of establishing "standing playdates" on her blog recently.  That idea really struck me.  Almost all of my close female friends have moved out of town in the past few years, and I've been longing to develop a closer friendship with some of my just-acquaintances.  I feel like it's always such a huge production, though, trying to coordinate schedules with people, and get together.  I feel as if I'm just bugging people sometimes, since I'm always the one to call or e-mail and say, "hey - let's get together sometime!"  I am going to propose the idea of a once- or twice-a-month regular hangout to a few friends, and see what happens.

16 comments:

  1. I did that for the past two years and it was great!

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    1. Hey Rebekah! I'm assuming you mean the recurring playdates?

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  2. It's so easy for me to get caught up in the idea that a few tough days or weeks mean that this is my life now -- forever. I will announce to my husband that clearly this baby just isn't one who needs sleep and will never ever sleep, and he'll gently remind me that probably at some point in the very near future things will change.

    Thanks for the shout out by the way! I can't wait to hear if it works for you.

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  3. I have definitely subscribed to he notion of standing play dates. With people I'm close to, it's a once a week spot. But, because we are mothers, we know that that play date could get cancelled due to sickness, exhaustion, or something of that nature. But, it's something to look forward to and to help get through the tasks during each week!

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    1. And, by people I'm close to, I meant proximity wise, because otherwise distance and gas money to people I've met 30 minutes away just are a slight burden weekly. Those friends have to be delegated to a less frequent spot, which stinks, but such is life.

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  4. Hi, Christine, I think I've got my account working and I'm commenting (hope I'm not giving too much advice for one comment, this got long)! You are doing great. The nap thing will sort itself out and pretty soon, Stella should graduate to one nap after lunch and the two littles will be napping at the same time. Then Sly may want to drop the nap (happens around age 3 here) and you can still insist on a little quiet room time while the baby naps. And then you'll probably have another baby napping in the morning! Hmmmm...

    As far as the cleaning thing goes, my motto is "Do the next thing" from Elisabeth Elliot, a wonderful, wise Christian lady. If I'm already working on something, I can't be working on something else. "One thing at a time, and that done well" is another quote from somewhere. All I can do is keep working on the house and parenting all day long, one thing at a time. There is a peace there - by accepting the work that has been allowed to be dropped into our path, and accepting it with grace and humility as God's will for our lives for that moment. Another dirty diaper while I am trying to mop the floor? Yes, Lord, thank you.

    Also, remembering that homemaking done well is an ART, and creating an orderly, pretty space for my family is a way of showing love. It seems like you already "get" this - the new painted kitchen cart thing is an example - but when you get bogged down, remembering the creative, artistic, and meaningful aspects of the job may give you renewed inspiration.

    On a practical note, getting those dishes done and the kitchen wiped down before bed will go a long way to starting the next day on a positive note. You'll wake up and be "welcomed" into your kitchen vs. overwhelmed by a list of chores before you even have your coffee. My kitchen is only clean from about 8pm - 8am, and I get up early and hang out in here to enjoy it!

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    1. Thank you for all the advice. Accepting all my work with grace and humility is certainly something I'll need to work at :-)

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  5. I think you need to try and get Sly and Stella on the same nap schedule for the afternoon. That will make things a bit easier for you.

    And I'd suggest trying to get the dishes cleaned the night before so you don't wake up and feel overwhelmed with a bunch of tasks to do. Nothing spoils my morning faster than finding last nights dinner dishes still out.

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    1. Thanks for your comments. I would love to get them on the same nap schedule, but so far, everytime I've tried shifting one person's nap a bit, it's been disastrous. I've finally accepted that this is just when they need to go for naps right now. As SOON as Stella shows signs of being ready to transition to one, though, I'll be all over it!

      As for the dishes, it's not even dinner dishes left the next day (I'm obsessive about finishing those right after dinner). On my way down from the third floor to the first floor each morning, I feel as though I collect five thousand drinking glasses that are strewn around the house from the evening before! I probably *could* wash those right before bed...

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  6. I try to get the dishes done the in evening and clean up the toys before bed, because I feel the same way. I was doing pretty well in that regard before getting pregnant, and then ... well, I'm mostly back to getting the dishes done right away, on most days. :) Not so much the toys.

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  7. Noah was nowhere near ready for a one nap a day at seven months, but I totally forced the issue and after a week, I was so happy. And so were the kids. We do have fairly jam packed mornings...we leave the house at 8:30 and probably get home around 12:30 most days. I pack lunches many times to keep the boys happy while we run around. But keeping them out and running and having fun in the mornings really helps with the naps in the afternoons. Honestly, I was losing my mind with them on separate nap schedules. One week of pain for a whole lot of peace for all of us.

    I also make sure all the toys and dishes are done each night. The lunches are packed and sippy cups filled. It makes for a much less hectic morning. And let's face it. I am not a morning person at all first thing, so the less to do, the better! lol Since I don't get home from work most nights until 8:30, it can be overwhelming sometimes but Brian usually pitches in, too, and together we get things done in no time. :) I am sure your house is tidier than you think...we are all hypercritical of our own abodes!

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    1. I don't see myself preparing this well every night, but that's a great idea for the nights before we have somewhere to go.

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  8. Hang in there...it will be better at some points and less so at others. Homeschooling was perfect last year with two schooling and three napping all afternoon. This year with only one napping in the afternoon, it's a challenge, but we're making it work.

    Take it day by day and don't stress if you can help it. If someone comes to your house who has little ones, they will understand. If they have some lofty expectations, that's on them, not you. Keep God front and center and ask for Our Lady's help (and St. Zita while you're at it!) and it will all be good.

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  9. PS - I just read the "tunnel" post and YES, this is completely true! Now, when I "go back to the tunnel" and only have the 1 1/2, 3 and 4-year-olds, I remember how really exhausting and physically demanding it is. When Sly and Stella are older, can entertain themselves, sit and read a book (greatest invention ever) and, most importantly, help with the little ones, it's a totally different ballgame.

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  10. We recently had the same nap issue. Really annoying! My baby is now just 15 months old and is finally, consistently on one nap a day and life is good again. On the downside, my three year old is shortening his nap. So it really never ends, this trying of my flexibility.

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  11. We recently had the same nap issue. Really annoying! My baby is now just 15 months old and is finally, consistently on one nap a day and life is good again. On the downside, my three year old is shortening his nap. So it really never ends, this trying of my flexibility.

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