Reflecting back on these past two weeks...I feel like God is offering me tremendous opportunities for graces right now. But I feel like I'm wasting this chance. I have trouble recognizing just what those graces "are" or how to accept them. I feel like if I was praying a certain way, behaving a certain way, etc...this whole experience could be so spiritually beneficial to me. But as things are, I get so caught up in the day-to-day of it all, that my prayer life has been, if anything, suffering as a result.
God granted my family a miracle, and for that I'm unspeakably grateful. But it's being followed by a trial. We're being asked to endure a time to hardship and suffering. I know I need to offer these things up, and to meet each day's challenges with hope. But I find myself getting stressed and exhausted and cranky, and not always handling things very gracefully.
It's very hard not being home, which I feel myself so much a part of. Our entire lives seem to be put on hold for now. Perhaps it's similar to the way Mary felt during the Flight into Egypt? If anyone is an expert at the proper way to accept suffering, it's her.
Anyways, Happy New Year and Feast of Christ's Circumcision to you all.
*hugs*
ReplyDeleteMaybe there is more grace at work in you than you know? Please remember you may not be able to see the change in yourself while it's happening, and remember to embrace also any consolations that are offered to you. It's even ok to do some things for yourself! :)
(It's Karla again... I don't know why I can never comment correctly on your journal.)
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DeleteStill praying for little Sylvester. Hope 2012 keeps getting better for you!
ReplyDeletePraying for all of you. Just trying to accept this as a time of grace is more than most of us would do. Don't be too hard on yourself. I can't imagine the pain of watching little Sylvester go through this. Love and prayers, Aunt Kathy
ReplyDeleteI always found it helpful to memorize a prayer or a scripture verse that I did not already have memorized. It gives me a sense of accomplishment when I do have it memorized, makes me realize that I have been praying. Sometimes when I pray the Angelus I remeber the trial I was going through at the time that I learned the Angelus by heart. I remember when I learned the Salve Regina. I remeber when I first learned the Hail Mary in Spanish. There is such a vast wealth of prayers in our faith that Catholic school children learned by memory many years ago... maybe they still do but I did not learn them since I went to public school. But slowly I am now. And I am teaching my children them as I am able. Sending prayers for Sly.
ReplyDeleteI think that it is not necessary to DO anything about this time of grace. Accept it as real, tell God you want what He wants and let it go. You have enough on your plate without worrying that you are praying wrong or anything like that.
ReplyDeleteI've encouraged friends to keep doing the novena for your little one and you are in my prayers too. I cannot imagine the pain of your family so I just ask God to be near and support you and bring healing to everyone and wisdom to the doctors and nurses.
I just want you to know that we are still praying for you and for Sly. Keep up those spirits Mama!
ReplyDeleteWe're still praying over here! God love you and be gentle on yourself, mama!
ReplyDeletePraying for you all. And you will recognize the graces at some point. After Abby died, it took almost a full year before I realized the graces that God was asking Brian and I to gain and work on during that time of trial. Don't stress over it. It will become clear at some point when you least expect it. Please let us know if we can do anything at all.
ReplyDeletePrayers for you & your fam!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteYour ability to keep God at the center of your life, to the point of wondering about graces while you're enduring your trial, speaks volumes. Your strength and wisdom are inspiring. Be gentle with yourself at this difficult time. Be assured that you are all in our continued prayer.
ReplyDeleteI know it's on a MUCH lesser scale, but a priest once told me not to feel guilty about not feeling spiritually connected during Mass when I'm busy being a mother, because that is what God is calling me to be right now. I think the same can be said for your current situation. Taking care of your sweet baby *is* your prayer life right now. Your whole life is a prayer and I'm sure He won't let you miss the graces.
ReplyDeleteI'm going to try to pass on words of wisdom that a friend left in my comment box when I wrote similar words while I was in a crisis (a much smaller crisis, but a crisis nonetheless.) She said that lessons learned are retrospective and that all you are supposed to do in a crisis is just survive. And pray.
ReplyDeleteBut-- I'm going to add this from my own experience-- your prayer during a time of crisis isn't very likely to be pretty and deep and contemplative. It's most likely going to be exhausted, grumpy, wordless cries of: Help!!! It won't feel like real prayer because it is the prayer that is a cry from the heart, the Holy Spirit interceding in groans when we have no words to express our deepest needs.
God will do it all for you and when one day you look back at this time you will see the graces he has been showering on you and understand the lessons he is teaching you. You will see that he has been carrying you and doing it all for you. And when I say God is doing it all, I mean the praying is part of that. You feel that you can't pray right now and yet look at your comment boxes full of love from everyone who is praying for you. This is why we have a communion of saints, so that everyone else can pray for you when you cannot. You have friends and family and strangers all lifting you up in prayer because God knows that you are where you are.
Right now God is lovingly stripping away every illusion of control you have because he wants you to learn to depend on Him alone. Not on your own strength and ability to cope. Oh it hurts! Trust me, I've been there.
I pray that you get some rest and find some peace in the midst of your chaos and trials. And I'm continuing to pray for baby Sly and for everyone in your family who are caught up in this whirlwind.
God will know your prayers without you even uttering a word... Psalm 34:18 says The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. I agree with Melanie - take it all to him in prayer, and we will continue to pray for peace for your heart and your mind. ((hugs))
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