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| baby Sly |
It's just mind-boggling to me to think about being "done" having kids right now. I've always thought I would have a number of kids. For us, we think of this as "just the beginning" of our family. For the record, I do believe there are legitimate reasons for needing to limit family size at two, or whatever other number - I just don't have the impression right now that that's what we're called to do. But it's so weird to think that if we were following the path of the typical American family, we may well be boxing up and giving away all the baby clothes and toys as the kids grow out of them - knowing that we won't we having any more. As much as I dislike actually being pregnant, I couldn't imagine knowing that I'd never grow a baby inside me again.
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| Stella |
Yes, kids grow up SO fast. But I think it's been easier for me to watch it happen because I have the hope that there will be more babies down the road. This isn't the last time I'll get to sniff in that amazing new baby smell, bathe a little one in the sink, have my finger squeezed by five tiny little strong fingers. So it's easier to just let them grow up, and feel excited for all the new things they're learning and doing.
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| Stella |
Plus, it's possible that by the time I'm really starting to miss the newborn stage, grandkids will start to come along, and I'll get to experience the cycle all over again. At least I hope so.
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| baby Sly |
Notice I just used the word "plan". I hate that. I hate that I think that way, and that it's the word everyone uses when they talk about family size. Because really, all life is given by God, and all life is a gift. I can plan to have as many kids as I like, but that doesn't mean they will be given to me. The reason it's such an issue, I think, is from the very real fact that a lot of people these days plan not to have children. That didn't used to be such an easy thing to do. Now, instead of married couples allowing the children to come when they will, it's assumed that each pregnancy will be consciously and carefully planned out by the parents. Even the midwives asked me last time whether it was a "planned" pregnancy. Tom and I just sorta looked at each other, unsure how to answer. I finally said, "um, well....we didn't do anything to prevent it." And the midwife immediately answered, "well, that means it's planned." I hated that she had to put that label on it. What does it matter whether it was planned or not? This only leads to the trouble of "unplanned" babies being considered "unwanted" babies.
Avoiding pregnancy is now the default, so if conception ends up happening, it's given the passive verb - "unplanned". (Because of course, you didn't do anything to help make that new life, right? There was no way at all you could have anticipated that an act naturally geared towards reproduction might possibly result in...reproduction?!) But if the pregnancy wasn't an "oops" (because isn't that really what people mean by "unplanned"?), then it's assumed to have been a fully intentional, thoroughly-discussed, "let's-pull-out-the-spreadsheets-to-calculate-this" active decision to make a baby right now. Tom and I understood, of course, that sex tends to produce offspring. We realized - and even hoped - a baby might result. But did we "plan" that? I would say no. Something inside me just cringes at that word for some reason.
Anyways, we don't really have a plan about our family size. Our plan is just to be as open to children as is reasonable, and to continue to pray and discern so we can better understand God's plan for our family.
I find the concept of "planning" a family so interesting. Long ago my hubby and I decided that 3 sounded like a great number to us. We have our 3 boys (and I an IUD). "I" say "I" am done but if God were to have a 4th baby planned for us who's to say who's really in charge of all this planning to begin with! :)
ReplyDeleteHope y'all have a great weekend!
xoxox
Great post, Christine!
ReplyDeleteMy mother had PCOS and though my parents wanted to have a large family, they weren't able to. They got the "perfect family" comments *so often*, since they had just me and my brother. And on the flip side, they got a lot of sidelong judgmental glances (and even outright spoken implications, the rudeness of which boggles my mind) from fellow Catholics. Both were equally painful to them, and both were an extension of the "plan" mentality that you mentioned.
Sometimes (okay, honestly more than sometimes) I worry that we might be in that same situation, Rosemary! Adoption has always been very important to me though (my dad was adopted and I think he's pretty great) so I try to remind myself that this could be God's way to make sure it happens for our family.
DeleteRosemary, that was my parents. Two girls came two years apart, and then a number of heartbreaking miscarriages. Ten years after me my youngest sister was born. So many ignorant people commented to their faces about their presumed "accident"! They didn't get too much trouble from church because they had announced so many pregnancies. Hopefully our generation is talking about this issue enough that people start to learn to MYOB.
ReplyDeleteI too cannot think of myself as being "done" yet. Most women of my age/socioeconomic class haven't even started yet. And our children have given us such joy. The sacrifices have already been more than repaid in my opinion. But I'm not ready to think about the next one yet, either! I'm just enjoying where we are.
And don't forget: "If you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans." :)
When I went for a routine dental cleaning while pregnant with my 4th child, the receptionist threw her arms up in the air and said, "Better you than me! Good luck! You're gonna need it." That lead to this post: http://www.havingleftthealtar.com/2010/12/contraceptive-mentality.html
ReplyDeleteI fully believe there is no "right" family size except the one God desires for that family and, frankly, it is no one's business but that family's.
Maybe there's something about teeth cleaning, because I went in just this week and the hygienist asked me if I was done or if I wanted more. I only have one!
DeleteI answered truthfully, "We would love more", and changed the subject.
Good post. It bothered me too when the midwife asked that. When we conceived, it would have been financially better to wait even just one month longer (timing of our jobs, Aflac), but we didn't believe we had grave reason to avoid pregnancy. So... was that baby planned??
ReplyDeleteIt really seems that *everyone* thinks that way, too. I'm guilty, like you, of "planning" to have a large family. But it really bothers me when it even spreads into the details--people are trying to plan for their baby to have a specific birth month, have to wait 2 more months to TTC because they have that wedding to go to and they want to drink at it, or are hoping for one gender over another so that they have their ideal family. I knew a woman who went through infertility and finally used IVF to have her two kids--yet I got the impression when it was time to find out the gender of the second that she would have *cried* because she would have been SO upset if it was a boy.
After I had my second son, my mother-in-law would tell people right in front of us that we weren't having any more - two's enough. I had great difficulty in conceiving them and both were 6 weeks premature, but we would have loved more. At the time I said nothing. She was upset when I got pregnant with #3 (a boy) and #4 (a girl). They were unplanned by us but certainly planned by God. After that, perfect strangers would ask questions like, "Now that you have your girl, are you going to shut down the baby factory?" I would smile and say, "Whatever God sends".
ReplyDeleteah we got the *million dollar family* comments too after our son was born {daughter first}. Having always wanted a larger family I would just smile and say *Oh heavens, we're just getting started!*
ReplyDeleteI treated both pregnancies like they could be my last, because while Brent and I have always had an idea of what we'd like our family to be, we also realize life/God has a way of doing it's own thing. And here we are, an 8 year old daughter {this month}, a 5 year old son {October}, and have not felt that the time was right to add. Now THAT I never would have anticipated! lol We've talked about international adoption, adding more bio kids, etc. so it will be interesting to see what comes next.
If this is a million dollar family, I suppose I want a three million dollar family! ;)
I just heard Dr. Theresa Farnhan speak yesterday. She has 10 kids, ages 19 years to 15 months, her youngest being a girl with Down Syndrome. She ran through the comments that came as they had their successive children, the last being the most hurtful. She is an amazing woman with an amazing story.
ReplyDeleteI don't know why some people feel the need to say things but feel comforted that there are many of us in the boat with you!
Everyone seems to have a comment on family size, whether it's two kids or ten. After a boy and a girl, I've been asked, "You're done, right?" One day while out shopping, a lady said that - "the perfect family!" and I wasn't sure how to respond, because I have *three* kids, one of whom was at school while we were out. I've been asked "Was the third one planned?" So the nature of the question really doesn't get any less rude as you add to your family. :/
ReplyDeleteI totally feel the same way you do about family size - I always wanted to have three, but after my third was born, I wondered if I didn't want one more. People will always badger you about your age when you conceive, the age gap between kids, raising children when you're older, possible birth defects, etc. etc. It's endless. But I think, I could be worrying about something that may or may not ever happen; I need to leave that up to God and let him handle it. How can it be anything but a blessing to want to bring another child into the world when so many don't? So we'll see...
I was so happy to report on Sly's wellbeing and also new baby Stella (what a beautiful name!) to my daughter, who has been asking for months. :)