Oh. my. gosh. I was just going through a big box of old high school papers that my dad dumped on me (he's in the final stages of emptying out my old bedroom at home), and found the most terrible, yet hilarious "rough draft" for a letter that I am REALLY thankful never actually got sent.
This was written in the second semester of my senior year of high school. So there was this boy....Our families had been friends for years, but the two of us were never much more than awkward acquaintances. But we'd come to be in the same wide circle of friends, and by the end of high school, were chatting online (AOL instant messenger!) sometimes. It was one of those classic cases of someone (me) having an enormous crush on another person (him), and yet totally not realizing it or admitting it to herself.
I read the letter aloud to Tom this evening, and he kept exclaiming, "Is this STILL going?!" Anyways, here it is in all its glory.
I'm going to speak to you now very openly and honestly. And let me just preface this by saying that this will probably be one of the most embarrassing things I ever write, and I'll probably regret having done it. I've always regretted that we weren't closer than we are. Our dads are friends, but when we see each other, there's always something of an awkwardness there... [No, I'm not skipping over any parts here. I just used to like to trail off my sentences with ellipses]
And I see you being unhappy often, and just feel bad...you're a nice guy and you don't deserve to be feeling this way. I wish I could help you somehow.
I think it could help if you just talked to me - if you opened up. Is it too much to ask that we become friends? I hope you don't feel uncomfortable by this offer....
And I hope that in the future, we can see each other in person, and talk to each other as friends...
We're both kind of shy people.
Previously, I thought that when we talked, you disliked me or something because you always act...uncomfortable, but I realize now that it's just because we really don't know each other well, and neither of us ever really know what to say or how to act - and that's understandable. But the truth is, I'd like to change this.
I wish we were friends. You're probably wondering why the sudden interest in becoming friends...well, I'm really not sure exactly. I think partly it's because of the nearing end of the school year - and I'm beginning to regret that there are so many people who I never really got to know. Also, now that we talk online, it provides a more convenient and less uncomfortable mode of getting to know each other. I hope you are open to this idea.
I hope I'm not...intimidating you somehow by this proposal - because I often come on too strongly with people. And if you don't want to speak about personal things with me, that's okay. And if you really aren't interesting in hearing any of MY problems either, well I guess I'll just have to accept that.
I understand, believe me, that the existence of this letter will probably only make the relationship we have even more awkward, and I'm very sorry for that - but I was just unable to keep these thoughts to myself any longer.
The situation has really been bothering me recently, though I can't figure out why. And I understand that in order to become true "friends" involves much more than just talking to each other about what's on our minds - it would involve emotional connection, feelings of caring and respect, and all those things. The benefit one receives from having a friend is so much greater than the cost.
And I see the potential for us to have a lot more in common than we realize - which is why I think it best for us to get to know each other.
I apologize a million times over for any embarrassment or discomfort which this letter may give you. Please believe that mine is many times worse. Because in writing this, I am exposing myself without knowing whether or not you plan to reciprocate.
Please let me know (through e-mail, I think best) your thoughts on this.
It's perfectly understandable if you think the idea to be a worthy one, but still something best not rushed into. I can only hope that you don't completely refuse the idea of us becoming friends, because it would only make the whole situation even more distressing. Because I always over-exaggerate things, I'm sure to take this for a sign of your "intense dislike" for me.
Why did I single you out though? I don't know...I'm sorry - I'm just
following what my will is telling me to do. Why did I have to write
such a long drawn-out letter? Why couldn't I just say "Hey, [boy's
name], let's be friends!" I don't know, I don't know. Ahhhh! My
brain's so mixed up right now.
Again, I am so sorry that I had to write you a note like this - why couldn't I allow us to just become closer on our own? I don't know, I don't know! I'm sorry, and I said, I really haven't been able to stop thinking about this. Once my mind focuses on a concept I CAN'T let go of it. So please try not to feel...pressured by me. Any decision you make regarding this, I will try to respect. Just please provide me with justification...
(Note that the tone of this last sentence expresses my fear that the forwardness of my approach will inevitably force you away - please please don't let me do this).
Really, this letter is just a simple extension of my friendship. I think I have a lot to offer. My only question is: will you accept it?
It was obvious that I secretly wanted more than just friendship from this fellow. I find it hilarious to think of how a teenage boy would have reacted to such emotional and verbal vomit!
Isn't that just the worst letter ever? Well, maybe not, folks. There was, a few pages later in the same notebook, a PART II!! hahaha. But I won't torture you any further.