I had an appointment with the midwives a bit ago. Confirming a fear I was suddenly struck with last night, they were unable to find the baby's heartbeat with the Doppler. My midwife tried valiantly for several minutes, and then called in another one to give it a go. Both of them just had little frowns on their faces, as they moved the wand around, searching. I was very quiet the whole time. Just breathing, trying not to let myself even think about anything.
They scheduled me to go in for an ultrasound later today to see...well, to see if the baby is still alive, to put it simply. They called it "making sure."
I really wish now that Tom had been there. We got into a little argument about that earlier in the week. I hadn't reminded him that the appointment was coming up, and so he hadn't thought to ask off of work soon enough. I didn't think it was really a big deal. With Sly, Tom had to miss a lot of the appointments because he had less days off. I guess I didn't realize that he not only could get off more this time around, but that he had an interest in actually attending every appointment. He was irritated that he wasn't going to get to come, and I said, "oh, you aren't missing too much. We just get to hear the heartbeat."
When I first heard Sly's heartbeat on the Doppler, I remember thinking, "that's cool, I guess. That's my baby's heart." But it wasn't a tear-inducing moment for me, or anything. And then they listened to it again at every appointment we went to, so I guess it sort of just became old hat...still a nice little reassurance each time, but nothing too exciting in itself.
But today, lying on the table, all I could do was beg God, "please let them find the heartbeat!"I would have rejoiced to hear it.
Luckily, Tom is able to take off the afternoon to come with me to the ultrasound today. And my mom is willing to keep watching Sly for me, as long as I need her to. After I told her what was going on, she immediately went to the internet to find out what the chances are here. She called back to let me know that there were a lot of women online who didn't have a heartbeat at the doctor's office, but everything was fine. And some of them were further along than me.
I'm not even sure how I feel right now. I think part of me is definitely terrified. But the rest of me is trying to push that emotion under the surface, so I don't spend the next few hours totally worried. I feel almost paralyzed. My brain is thinking this all through in a detached and non-committed sort of way...letting myself be aware that there is reason to have hope...letting myself consider what life might be like if the baby didn't make it. Because it would change my entire life...not just the next few weeks, as I grieved over it. I do want this baby very badly. But none of the emotions are making their way to my heart, where I can fully feel them. I guess I'm preventing them from doing that. I'll let the feelings come afterward, when I know.